How much I loved them

I’m terrified of dying and people not knowing how much I loved them. 

How many moments I cried or stressed because of how important they are. 

I have conversations with my friends on what to do if I die.

I think that’s why I’m so sad that Kestas didn’t propose. I didn’t want to wait any longer to spend the rest of my life with him. So I could show him I love him every second forever and to have a kid. 

And I have to learn to sit in the uncomfortableness. To be patient and wait.

It was everything that I needed and wanted in a week. The amount of miracles and magical moments. 

I feel bad for sharing my emotions like that. But I also couldn’t hide them. I didn’t want to lie but I didn’t want to manipulate. 

He admitted that he had a way that he wanted to do it. He had something in his mind and there were opportunities here that he didn’t take. 

It was tough for me because I said 1.5 years ago that id give him until March. Then it was December. And now March again. An extra year. But I have to let go.