It's a scary thing

I had just listed all the reasons why my new relationship wouldn't work. The distance from my family. The language barrier. My career. Religious differences.

"It's not about him," I shrugged.

"I know," my therapist replied.

It had nothing to do with him. I was feeling a loss of control.

It's about the fear of leaving my safe place. What if l leave my hometown and completely fall apart? What if it's the only thing holding me together?

I've spent two years rebuilding my life here. I've healed so much. What if I leave, I lose myself again? What if I can only be grounded and healthy if I stay here?

"My family is here. My friends. My church. I'm grounded here. I have a routine."

"But, Hallie...your family has their own families. Your friends live far away. You don't even like your church."

In the past 10 years, I've lived all over the country...on my own. Missouri. Tennessee. Texas. California.

And now?

I'm terrified to leave home again.

It's a scary thing to realize you fear life itself.

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Then I'm back.

A cool breeze brushes my face on my morning run. Then I'm back in Tenessee. Going on my morning run near our apartment. I feel the same cool breeze. Feel the same emotions. Depression. Pressure. And h

It's too good to be true.

To have these moments. Leave a self-defense class. More and more confident each week. Wearing my nice yoga pants. Drive to my mom's to drop off fresh pears from the farmer's market. We rest. On rockin

How do I know

That I'm me? I feel creative I want to write Or cook Or make jokes Or learn I'm not exhausted, obsessive, or anxious That's how I know.