I got a job.
I feel more emotionally stable.
A firefighter talked to me at the gym.
I have three attorneys trying to help me finalize my publishing contract."
"You just listed a bunch of things.
Are you really okay?"
"Are you sure?"
Things are good.
I think I'm just use to them not being that way. I'm use to having excuses or reasons for being sad. I'm use to chaos and trauma. I'm use to being in an unhealthy environment. Things are good, and I don't know what to do with that.
I'm tempted to sabotage it.
I'm tempted to be reckless.
I'm tempted to create situations that will end in me hating myself because that's an emotion I'm familiar with.
I'm tempted to book a flight to see a guy knowing it would hurt me in the end.
I mean...I actually did that.
But I cancelled the flight.
Because I'm more tempted to understand my patterns and try to stop them.
To allow myself to enjoy stability.
To do the responsible thing.
Even if it's boring.
Or I'm restless.
Even if I'm incredibly mad because of how bored and restless I am.