This pattern I know

When I start hating myself and who I am.

I deep clean.

I need to organize.

I make piles of items I want to throw away or donate.

I have too much.

I buy things.

Groceries that will go to waste. Clothes I don't need. Decor to fill my apartment.

I make lofty goals that won't last.

Exercise classes. Diets. Journaling prompts.

I set up myself up for failure so deserve the hate I have.

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There's one that survived a cult. She still emails other survivors. The ones who have lost themselves or others. She works with the police. She documents what happens and works on her book. She does t

I spiral. I feel like I did when David told me he had cheated. I feel like I did when Michael said goodbye in the parking lot of San Jose. Or when he left me in the elevator. I feel it rush in my body

I buy kayaks. Bake brownies. Reupholster my chairs. I make spreadsheets and book hotels. I write out grocery lists and buy new clothes. I want everything to be right and ready. That's who I am.