Which isn't uncommon, but this was worse.
I cut out a friendship that maybe didn't need to end. At least not in the way that it did. I think there could have been an unspoken drifting apart.
I was hurt, unable to process my emotions, triggered, and protecting myself.
It's filled my mind for weeks now. I go to bed with thoughts and wake up with thoughts. I replay the moments in my head back and forth. Talk about it with my therapist and write about it in my journal.
I wish I could get to a point where my trauma doesn't trigger negative reactions.
Or where I could think rationally and not blackout.
I wish I could have a normal life that doesn't impact others.
I wish I didn't care so deeply what people thought of me. If I was a bad person or a good friend.
And maybe someday those wishes will come true.
But until then, I'll keep searching for answers, seeing a therapist, journal, pray.