Search

When plans don't go as planned.

I spiral.


I feel like I did when David told me he had cheated.


I feel like I did when Michael said goodbye in the parking lot of San Jose.


Or when he left me in the elevator.


I feel it rush in my body.


Along with anger. Dread. Sadness. Loneliness.


Abandonment.


I scroll social media.


I make lists of things I should be doing to be good enough.


To be loved enough.


I email a nonprofit to volunteer.


I write down ways I should be donating my money and why I should feel guilty that I'm not.


I steam clean my car.


I email the detective again.


I write in my blog.


I find enough ways to overdo it until I feel better.


While avoiding the things that actually make me feel better.

Recent Posts

See All

There's one that survived a cult. She still emails other survivors. The ones who have lost themselves or others. She works with the police. She documents what happens and works on her book. She does t

I buy kayaks. Bake brownies. Reupholster my chairs. I make spreadsheets and book hotels. I write out grocery lists and buy new clothes. I want everything to be right and ready. That's who I am.

When I have no one else, I have me. When I lose everything, I have me. When I’m lost or scared or stuck, I have me. When people say they can’t come. When they’re not free. When they don’t understand.