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When plans don't go as planned.

Updated: Dec 16, 2022

I spiral.


I feel like I did when my high school boyfriend told me he had cheated.


I feel like I did when my ex husband said goodbye in the parking lot of San Jose. Our last goodbye.


I feel it rush in my body.


Along with anger. Dread. Sadness. Loneliness.


Abandonment.


I scroll social media.


I make lists of things I should be doing to be good enough.


To be loved enough.


I email a nonprofit to volunteer.


I write down ways I should be donating my money and why I should feel guilty that I'm not.


I steam clean my car.


I email the detective again.


I write in my blog.


I find enough ways to overdo it until I feel better.


I punish myself.


While avoiding the things that actually make me feel better.

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