When plans don't go as planned.

I spiral.

I feel like I did when my high school boyfriend told me he had cheated.

I feel like I did when my ex husband said goodbye in the parking lot of San Jose. Our last goodbye.

I feel it rush in my body.

Along with anger. Dread. Sadness. Loneliness.

Abandonment.

I scroll social media.

I make lists of things I should be doing to be good enough.

To be loved enough.

I email a nonprofit to volunteer.

I write down ways I should be donating my money and why I should feel guilty that I'm not.

I steam clean my car.

I email the detective again.

I write in my blog.

I find enough ways to overdo it until I feel better.

I punish myself.

While avoiding the things that actually make me feel better.